Archive for category Self Improvement

Just A Good Year

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2015 was not a bad year, it could have been better but I can’t complain too much! I didn’t lose any internal organs this year so it has to be good right!? I had a better 2014 though for a few of my personal goals but that just means I need to step up my game in 2016 to catch up.

Work, well work is always fine. I know what I’m doing and I am confident in that area of my life and I’ll always have a job so long as there is a need, which I am guessing will carry on until I’m 70 given how the governments of the world seem keen on ending all help to seniors the scoundrels.

Here are some stats for the year:

Average hours worked per week: 72.8

Weight lost: 5KG (25KG in 2014!)

Average walk distance per day: 2.15 Kilometers / 1.33 Miles

Amount of meat eaten: NONE

Times I was in bed with a woman: 1 ┬á­čśŽ

Initial sugar dates: 4 – Follow up sugar dates: 1

Non-sugar dates: 3 –┬áFollow up non-sugar dates: 1

 

 

My goals for this year are clear to me, I still need to drop another 10-15KG and to do it I need to start spending about two hours a week, or at least 15min per day, in the home gym.

Another very annoying thing that has started to occur recently are some pretty bad skin problems arising from shaving. I’m not exactly sure why or where it comes from, I haven’t changed much of that process in the past few years and I’ve only been getting healthier so what gives? I’ve been thinking about having laser hair removal done on my face to prevent the hair from even growing so I don’t have to shave. I’m in my mid 30s, I don’t need fucking breakouts on top of all the other things I’m still insecure about!

I would also like to spend some time studying, I wouldn’t mind doing some distance courses on writing or planetary sciences, anything I’m interested in and not work related for a change.

As for my personal life where women are concerned, I can’t make any goals there, just have to let it happen naturally. Don’t need to put any more pressure on that aspect of my life on top of what I already have applied!

Hello 2016! Please be kind to us all ­čÖé

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NO PAIN, NO GAI– Ow, fuck!

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I’ve been dreading this moment for a while, nearly a year it has actually taken me to move my ass to even try it. After losing a satisfactory amount of weight through diet, more than I thought possible without added exercise anyway, it has come to a head and I needed to get to the “gym.” Big deal right? Just do it, no pain no gain, and all that other crap. I have a few things running interference though, one you may find a bit silly and the other is no laughing matter.

Let us just start with the silliness first. Not quite half, but almost half, of the reason I’ve been avoiding going to the gym is my critical lack of self confidence. I don’t want to look like an idiot, I don’t want to be surrounded by hot attractive people(I also say no to the beach), and stupidly enough of all things not even knowing what I should wear to a gym has been a cause of concern. Like I said, pretty silly. I’m working around that though, I’ve just spent a decent amount of money on my own gym equipment and I’ve set one up for myself. There. No worries about other people any longer.

Now comes the hard part, I don’t think I’ve really ever talked about it here before in depth. I have a rather colorful past when it comes to getting physically hurt and damaging myself. I have developed┬áneuropathic pain from one or a sum of these injuries, which aren’t small even when factored individually. I usually know my limits pretty well and I try to look after myself, but I know that I have limits and I understand that I will probably never be able to keep up with someone my own age or younger.

This was very clearly made evident by my first week in the home gym, and does connect to the looking silly part above; Currently I can only do about 15 mins of exercise a day in total and broken up to 5 min sessions. I was hoping for maybe two 30 min sessions to start with but that is way out of reach at the moment.┬áFor me, right now, that is my normal and I obviously feel that is just a bit pathetic! Makes me so glad that I didn’t go to the gym, the majority of people don’t understand chronic pain and it would just look ridiculous with me in pain after 5 mins. I’ve been fearing this, I suppose I knew it was coming as I said I do know my limits.

Disappointed or not, I’ve faced it now. The only thing I can do is try to maintain at least the same thing, 5 mins three times a day, and just hope that in some way the persistence of it will allow me to increase my resistance to pain so that I can keep going or help my body in ways where the pain just naturally is less. I wish someone could tell me how it would go, but I guess this is just something I’m going to have to mentally fight for a while.

I was looking forward to the holiday seasons, Oct-Jan, because I should have been looking a bit better now. Instead I’ve skipped every work event since last December and now seemingly have nothing great to look forward to now besides wanting my body to hold out in pain just a little longer on the equipment!

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Dry Spell – 6 Months & Counting

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Yup, a few weeks past 6 months has now gone by for me without any sex. My last bedtime fun was with the South American, only it didn’t turn out really to be any fun at all. Before that, it was over two years. That makes a total of sex, once, in the past three years. Awesome.

I am not involved in any adult dating sites, Tinder included. SeekingArrangement really allowed me to talk to and have a few initial dates with women very easily, but what came next didn’t come so easily or naturally and I wasn’t enjoying guessing at Arrangements so I’m now off SA until further notice. With standard dating sites, 9 out of every 10 attempts at contacting result in an immediate not interested half of which are blocks. The other 1 out of 10 person who accepts seems only interested in chatting never meeting.

Dating without online assistance isn’t an option. I work too much, don’t go out enough on my own or at all with friends.┬áYou might think I am the most uninteresting and unattractive person in the world to have this kind of a problem.

And I would probably agree with you at this point, because I’m not quite sure what I’m doing so wrong! Oh well. Keep trying to self improve and don’t give up is all I can do despite feeling like I’m %100 unwanted.

 

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Sugar Date: The Next Generation

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Well, following up my seemingly not so great first SD on Monday, I’ve booked in another date for Saturday. This is with the Au Pair whom I have mentioned before. She seems like a very nice girl and I get along with her quite well from the messages we’ve exchanged thus far. She seems more talkative than my first SD, and I get an all around general better feeling about her so far. Wish full thinking? We’ll see!

There is another… I’ll call her Spammy, inside joke, she responded to me about three weeks late. She apologized for the late reply and said she didn’t like the site, however she liked my message to her and my profile and asked for my number in short order ­čÖé So far I do like Spammy the best. But she is, well, hot which I didn’t know because she had no public pictures. I did warn her and send her the pictures of myself, to which she replied “What are you talking about you goose! You are handsome :)”

My mind flicked straight to “bullshit” as that is what I think when anyone says that kind of stuff to me. I just thanked her for the compliment, and she re-affirmed it and said “You have extremely kind eyes :)” That is a new one, I’ve not had that before. Is that code for, you aren’t really hot but I can look at you? lol.

Well I’m actually chatting with her right now via SMS – ┬áI had to buy a new belt today because I just broke my old one trying to pull it tight to the last belt hole! I’ve been doing that for a while now and it just gave way this morning. I wanted to tell someone the good news, she said that was great and that I must be happy, that getting a new belt due to size may not seem like a lot to most but is a huge deal. She also said that she was sure that some days that I probably feel the same old size, which surprised me because that is kind of how I feel every day lol.

I said she was right, even though I can see it in the clothes and on the scale, I can’t really see it in the mirror and my face is still so annoyingly fucking chubby! She replied with “I doubt that handsome… You are your toughest critic by far!” – I can’t argue with her there, but I’m a critic of me for good reasons. I’ve had a crap ton of negative feedback from girls, and it has conditioned my brain to be very cautious!

Anyway, I’m trying not to be so down on myself these days and focusing the energy on being positive and doing something about the reasons I feel negative! My first Pilates group session was today and despite being terribly embarrassed about gyming┬áin front of others, especially with those damn suggestive Pilates positions, I didn’t die and made it through the other side. I’m only doing them once a week at the moment, but want to increase that. I want to move faster!

 

 

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Pilates – Session Deux

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Ok so I’m not exactly doing whatever that girl in the picture is doing… Wtf is she doing by the way? I. Don’t. Even. But, I just had my second session!

It is still pretty easy going, all instructional, trying out the different things while the instructor gets to know me and where my issues are. I was kind of freaked out this time, I expected the place to be empty as it was a one-on-one. But it wasn’t. ┬áThere were a few people there and I have total fear of looking like I don’t know what I’m doing! Anyway, had to get over it, have to get over it.

I’m not quite into the feeling good stage yet, not doing anything really taxing. Actually that is probably for the best, because I’ve got some decent pain after the session. Mind you this is exactly why I’m doing Pilates! Hope it works out!

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Another Fashion Strikeout!

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Tried out some new clothes at work today. After losing so much weight I can now fit them, in fact my skinny pants that I was waiting to try out are now too big lol. Turns out, that might not be a bad thing… Thought I looked decent in the clothes for a change, but just when I think I’m doing well someone at works walks up and makes a shitty comment about what I’m wearing and being from a farm or something.

Guess it is back to the fat baggy clothes until I can figure out how to dress myself and will just have to write off the $600 I spent on all that. People can be cock suckers sometimes!

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First Pilates Class – Check!

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I had my first one on one Pilates class today which I am pretty excited about! I am hoping that this will get some of my issues further out of the way to make room for more intense workouts. At the moment I’ve been very limited by pain, so finally getting in and starting this I hope will put me on the road to meet a few new milestones!

The initial report was fine, they are pleased with my muscles at least and happy that they’ve┬áretained a lot of strength and form after so many years of not being able to do anything. They gave me a few good beginner things to do for a week until my next one on one, and sent me out the door.

At this point it hasn’t hurt me much at all and I’m looking forward to putting it to use on my own, when nobody else is around of course, for some reason I feel that doing Pilates and getting caught is worse than humping my couch and getting caught lol. I am sure that will change with time though!

 

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