Posts Tagged change
I’ve been dreading this moment for a while, nearly a year it has actually taken me to move my ass to even try it. After losing a satisfactory amount of weight through diet, more than I thought possible without added exercise anyway, it has come to a head and I needed to get to the “gym.” Big deal right? Just do it, no pain no gain, and all that other crap. I have a few things running interference though, one you may find a bit silly and the other is no laughing matter.
Let us just start with the silliness first. Not quite half, but almost half, of the reason I’ve been avoiding going to the gym is my critical lack of self confidence. I don’t want to look like an idiot, I don’t want to be surrounded by hot attractive people(I also say no to the beach), and stupidly enough of all things not even knowing what I should wear to a gym has been a cause of concern. Like I said, pretty silly. I’m working around that though, I’ve just spent a decent amount of money on my own gym equipment and I’ve set one up for myself. There. No worries about other people any longer.
Now comes the hard part, I don’t think I’ve really ever talked about it here before in depth. I have a rather colorful past when it comes to getting physically hurt and damaging myself. I have developed neuropathic pain from one or a sum of these injuries, which aren’t small even when factored individually. I usually know my limits pretty well and I try to look after myself, but I know that I have limits and I understand that I will probably never be able to keep up with someone my own age or younger.
This was very clearly made evident by my first week in the home gym, and does connect to the looking silly part above; Currently I can only do about 15 mins of exercise a day in total and broken up to 5 min sessions. I was hoping for maybe two 30 min sessions to start with but that is way out of reach at the moment. For me, right now, that is my normal and I obviously feel that is just a bit pathetic! Makes me so glad that I didn’t go to the gym, the majority of people don’t understand chronic pain and it would just look ridiculous with me in pain after 5 mins. I’ve been fearing this, I suppose I knew it was coming as I said I do know my limits.
Disappointed or not, I’ve faced it now. The only thing I can do is try to maintain at least the same thing, 5 mins three times a day, and just hope that in some way the persistence of it will allow me to increase my resistance to pain so that I can keep going or help my body in ways where the pain just naturally is less. I wish someone could tell me how it would go, but I guess this is just something I’m going to have to mentally fight for a while.
I was looking forward to the holiday seasons, Oct-Jan, because I should have been looking a bit better now. Instead I’ve skipped every work event since last December and now seemingly have nothing great to look forward to now besides wanting my body to hold out in pain just a little longer on the equipment!
Yup, a few weeks past 6 months has now gone by for me without any sex. My last bedtime fun was with the South American, only it didn’t turn out really to be any fun at all. Before that, it was over two years. That makes a total of sex, once, in the past three years. Awesome.
I am not involved in any adult dating sites, Tinder included. SeekingArrangement really allowed me to talk to and have a few initial dates with women very easily, but what came next didn’t come so easily or naturally and I wasn’t enjoying guessing at Arrangements so I’m now off SA until further notice. With standard dating sites, 9 out of every 10 attempts at contacting result in an immediate not interested half of which are blocks. The other 1 out of 10 person who accepts seems only interested in chatting never meeting.
Dating without online assistance isn’t an option. I work too much, don’t go out enough on my own or at all with friends. You might think I am the most uninteresting and unattractive person in the world to have this kind of a problem.
And I would probably agree with you at this point, because I’m not quite sure what I’m doing so wrong! Oh well. Keep trying to self improve and don’t give up is all I can do despite feeling like I’m %100 unwanted.
Well, following up my seemingly not so great first SD on Monday, I’ve booked in another date for Saturday. This is with the Au Pair whom I have mentioned before. She seems like a very nice girl and I get along with her quite well from the messages we’ve exchanged thus far. She seems more talkative than my first SD, and I get an all around general better feeling about her so far. Wish full thinking? We’ll see!
There is another… I’ll call her Spammy, inside joke, she responded to me about three weeks late. She apologized for the late reply and said she didn’t like the site, however she liked my message to her and my profile and asked for my number in short order 🙂 So far I do like Spammy the best. But she is, well, hot which I didn’t know because she had no public pictures. I did warn her and send her the pictures of myself, to which she replied “What are you talking about you goose! You are handsome :)”
My mind flicked straight to “bullshit” as that is what I think when anyone says that kind of stuff to me. I just thanked her for the compliment, and she re-affirmed it and said “You have extremely kind eyes :)” That is a new one, I’ve not had that before. Is that code for, you aren’t really hot but I can look at you? lol.
Well I’m actually chatting with her right now via SMS – I had to buy a new belt today because I just broke my old one trying to pull it tight to the last belt hole! I’ve been doing that for a while now and it just gave way this morning. I wanted to tell someone the good news, she said that was great and that I must be happy, that getting a new belt due to size may not seem like a lot to most but is a huge deal. She also said that she was sure that some days that I probably feel the same old size, which surprised me because that is kind of how I feel every day lol.
I said she was right, even though I can see it in the clothes and on the scale, I can’t really see it in the mirror and my face is still so annoyingly fucking chubby! She replied with “I doubt that handsome… You are your toughest critic by far!” – I can’t argue with her there, but I’m a critic of me for good reasons. I’ve had a crap ton of negative feedback from girls, and it has conditioned my brain to be very cautious!
Anyway, I’m trying not to be so down on myself these days and focusing the energy on being positive and doing something about the reasons I feel negative! My first Pilates group session was today and despite being terribly embarrassed about gyming in front of others, especially with those damn suggestive Pilates positions, I didn’t die and made it through the other side. I’m only doing them once a week at the moment, but want to increase that. I want to move faster!
Tinder has nearly killed Online Dating. For a number of reasons, but the biggest reason being that everyone now uses that pretty much. First and foremost I am an ugly bastard and that being the case I can’t use tinder as such, so I don’t like it and won’t try it. Yet. I also think it can make my issues worse if I don’t start using it at the right time. Some of you know me a bit, self admittedly my confidence is pretty low and I’m made out of glass. I could start chatting to anyone for any number of reasons, just when things are going great bam, never hear from the person again. Without knowing why or understanding, I’m left with one simple choice and that is to blame myself. So in another year or two it might be possible to jump into tinder or the next best thing, but I need to look better and maybe even literally pay someone to be honest with me for a change about a few questions I have about myself.
Anyway, that isn’t going to stop me at having a little fun on behalf of Tinder though.
Here is the next template I’ve created for my Online Dating profiles, you might recognize the theme pretty easily…
Help me Obi-wan XXX, you’re my only hope…
It is a dark time for dating.
Although the MySpace has
been destroyed, Professional
Swipers have driven the
Decent people from their
sites and pursued them across
Evading the dreaded Swiper
Fingerfleet, a group of freedom
fighters led by Date Awesomer
has established a new secret
base on the remote site
The evil lord Lefty Righty,
obsessed with finding young
Awesomer, has dispatched
thousands of fingers to the
far reaches of the Internets…
Ok so I’m not exactly doing whatever that girl in the picture is doing… Wtf is she doing by the way? I. Don’t. Even. But, I just had my second session!
It is still pretty easy going, all instructional, trying out the different things while the instructor gets to know me and where my issues are. I was kind of freaked out this time, I expected the place to be empty as it was a one-on-one. But it wasn’t. There were a few people there and I have total fear of looking like I don’t know what I’m doing! Anyway, had to get over it, have to get over it.
I’m not quite into the feeling good stage yet, not doing anything really taxing. Actually that is probably for the best, because I’ve got some decent pain after the session. Mind you this is exactly why I’m doing Pilates! Hope it works out!
Sometimes the universe is incredibly kind to you. Or is it? What if the universe gives you a great opportunity but not the skills to deal with such an occurrence? Seemingly and even in my opinion it wouldn’t really be the universe’s fault since all the skills you have are learned directly from it, good or bad, so then it would come down to the individual. Hence; the Universe can be kind and I can FAIL.
We just had a big staff briefing at the office. There were around 120 people there and it was a pretty sung fit for all of us. I stood on the side of the room half way up to the presenters with the group of people I work with daily. Then for some reason the Receptionist comes around, talks to a few people before the presentation and then comes to stand next to me when it starts…
I’ve had mixed feelings about her for a while now, you know it doesn’t really feel great when there is someone you like and you’re positive they can’t or wouldn’t reciprocate those feelings. One thing is the same though because when she stood next to me I was like a leaf in the wind… When she looks at me, I disconnect from the world around me. Heart rate up, body temp up, self consciousness through the roof. Kind of feel like I’m in middle school again standing next to my first crush, it is so very embarrassing!
There wasn’t much interaction between us, some, could have been more if I had half a testicle to be my usual fun, witty, and playful self around her. But yeah, the FAIL runs strong in this one! Wan’t another example? Sure. A few times she got a bit close, I’m not sure why because it wasn’t quite that packed in there, but our arms touched a few times and I always immediately freaked out each time and gave her more space. The last time it happened, I didn’t pull away, so for about 5 mins I felt her energy(in heat form cos I didn’t have any crystals ya’know) which was probably the highlight of my week.
I know what you’re thinking trust me, thinking it myself. Grow a pair! Here is a cup of concrete to harden up! Haha, well, I suppose it all starts at home. I’m working on myself and my own confidence first. When I feel I have something to offer a beautiful person like the Receptionist, I will feel a bit more comfortable interacting with that person.
Tried out some new clothes at work today. After losing so much weight I can now fit them, in fact my skinny pants that I was waiting to try out are now too big lol. Turns out, that might not be a bad thing… Thought I looked decent in the clothes for a change, but just when I think I’m doing well someone at works walks up and makes a shitty comment about what I’m wearing and being from a farm or something.
Guess it is back to the fat baggy clothes until I can figure out how to dress myself and will just have to write off the $600 I spent on all that. People can be cock suckers sometimes!