Archive for category Shyness

Fourty eight long months



So it came, unlike me, it has been now two years since the last time I’ve been lucky enough to have sex. Can’t really think about much more to say about that, just thought it was a milestone for better or worse so I’ve recorded it…


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Dry Spell – 6 Months & Counting



Yup, a few weeks past 6 months has now gone by for me without any sex. My last bedtime fun was with the South American, only it didn’t turn out really to be any fun at all. Before that, it was over two years. That makes a total of sex, once, in the past three years. Awesome.

I am not involved in any adult dating sites, Tinder included. SeekingArrangement really allowed me to talk to and have a few initial dates with women very easily, but what came next didn’t come so easily or naturally and I wasn’t enjoying guessing at Arrangements so I’m now off SA until further notice. With standard dating sites, 9 out of every 10 attempts at contacting result in an immediate not interested half of which are blocks. The other 1 out of 10 person who accepts seems only interested in chatting never meeting.

Dating without online assistance isn’t an option. I work too much, don’t go out enough on my own or at all with friends. You might think I am the most uninteresting and unattractive person in the world to have this kind of a problem.

And I would probably agree with you at this point, because I’m not quite sure what I’m doing so wrong! Oh well. Keep trying to self improve and don’t give up is all I can do despite feeling like I’m %100 unwanted.


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Just A Note – Hopeless At Times(most of them)!



I walked down stairs today to pick up a package, so I grab for it and sign from the person who has replaced ‘the Receptionist’ as the actual receptionist. People can tell who I am from a mile away, I’m not loud but I do have an accent of sorts, so I like to think that the Receptionist heard me and made a point of saying hello.

She poked her head across her desk with a big smile and waved right at me! I got so caught up in that, I forgot what I was doing for a second and looked pretty silly to the person giving me the package I think haha.

What I should have done:

Wave right back just as eenthusiastically walk over, say hello, ask how her day is going and what she’s up to.

What I actually did:

Waved back half-assed, then picked my jaw up off the floor and finished signing, walked out.

What the frack! I keep saying when it comes to her, I know what I’m not going to do next time and then keep doing it… She has been here far longer than she initially thought, and I now question if the line she gives everyone at work “I’ve got a bf” is accurate or not… One of these days, I am going to have to just grow some balls. Only hope she doesn’t cut them off and feed them to me if I stick them out 🙂




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Sugar Date: The Next Generation



Well, following up my seemingly not so great first SD on Monday, I’ve booked in another date for Saturday. This is with the Au Pair whom I have mentioned before. She seems like a very nice girl and I get along with her quite well from the messages we’ve exchanged thus far. She seems more talkative than my first SD, and I get an all around general better feeling about her so far. Wish full thinking? We’ll see!

There is another… I’ll call her Spammy, inside joke, she responded to me about three weeks late. She apologized for the late reply and said she didn’t like the site, however she liked my message to her and my profile and asked for my number in short order 🙂 So far I do like Spammy the best. But she is, well, hot which I didn’t know because she had no public pictures. I did warn her and send her the pictures of myself, to which she replied “What are you talking about you goose! You are handsome :)”

My mind flicked straight to “bullshit” as that is what I think when anyone says that kind of stuff to me. I just thanked her for the compliment, and she re-affirmed it and said “You have extremely kind eyes :)” That is a new one, I’ve not had that before. Is that code for, you aren’t really hot but I can look at you? lol.

Well I’m actually chatting with her right now via SMS –  I had to buy a new belt today because I just broke my old one trying to pull it tight to the last belt hole! I’ve been doing that for a while now and it just gave way this morning. I wanted to tell someone the good news, she said that was great and that I must be happy, that getting a new belt due to size may not seem like a lot to most but is a huge deal. She also said that she was sure that some days that I probably feel the same old size, which surprised me because that is kind of how I feel every day lol.

I said she was right, even though I can see it in the clothes and on the scale, I can’t really see it in the mirror and my face is still so annoyingly fucking chubby! She replied with “I doubt that handsome… You are your toughest critic by far!” – I can’t argue with her there, but I’m a critic of me for good reasons. I’ve had a crap ton of negative feedback from girls, and it has conditioned my brain to be very cautious!

Anyway, I’m trying not to be so down on myself these days and focusing the energy on being positive and doing something about the reasons I feel negative! My first Pilates group session was today and despite being terribly embarrassed about gyming in front of others, especially with those damn suggestive Pilates positions, I didn’t die and made it through the other side. I’m only doing them once a week at the moment, but want to increase that. I want to move faster!



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My New Online Dating Pofile



Tinder has nearly killed Online Dating. For a number of reasons, but the biggest reason being that everyone now uses that pretty much. First and foremost I am an ugly bastard and that being the case I can’t use tinder as such, so I don’t like it and won’t try it. Yet. I also think it can make my issues worse if I don’t start using it at the right time. Some of you know me a bit, self admittedly my confidence is pretty low and I’m made out of glass. I could start chatting to anyone for any number of reasons, just when things are going great bam, never hear from the person again. Without knowing why or understanding, I’m left with one simple choice and that is to blame myself. So in another year or two it might be possible to jump into tinder or the next best thing, but I need to look better and maybe even literally pay someone to be honest with me for a change about a few questions I have about myself.

Anyway, that isn’t going to stop me at having a little fun on behalf of Tinder though.

Here is the next template I’ve created for my Online Dating profiles, you might recognize the theme pretty easily…


Help me Obi-wan XXX, you’re my only hope…

It is a dark time for dating.
Although the MySpace has
been destroyed, Professional
Swipers have driven the
Decent people from their
sites and pursued them across
the Internets.

Evading the dreaded Swiper
Fingerfleet, a group of freedom
fighters led by Date Awesomer
has established a new secret
base on the remote site
of XXX.

The evil lord Lefty Righty,
obsessed with finding young
Awesomer, has dispatched
thousands of fingers to the
far reaches of the Internets…

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First 24 Hours With SeekingArrangement


After lurking for a bit on SA I’ve gone Premium, my first 24 hours in it have been… Interesting. So, I ponder this in my mind and write here now listening to some old music. Feeling nostalgic tonight.

It is odd. SA has already given me more contact with people in the first day than most other sites do in a week. Granted, the reason for this is probably myself and not the other sites. I don’t ever show my picture up front, only private and I’m going to guess 10 out of 10 women are going to find that a red flag straight away. Take note of the meme above though, it is quite accurate when speaking of just outing my pic first. Maybe I should though, it feels a lot worse after I get someone talking for 15 mins or so, show the pic, and all of a sudden; blocked. lol. Kobayashi maru.

I had logged into the site and re-created my profile. For some reason the old one got banned, kind of shitty but whatever. While I was getting that set back up and looking for the woman(who Favorited and sent me a message on the other profile, I got a message! I don’t know about other men, but this is kind of awesome because usually I have to work quite hard to get replies. Let alone someone to send me a message on their own.

1. The Teacher

This is the lovely woman who fav’d me and sent the message(that I couldn’t read due to the ban when I tried to sign up and pay). This was the first girl I noticed and profile that I read, it is nearly perfect for what I believe I would look to get out of SA. Her long term interests mesh well with my new health and fitness kick and everything else she expressed in the profile was %100 in line with me. I finished my message to her before responding to the other message I had. Gotta dance with the one that brought ya! I got a reply back from her as well which I was over the moon with. That is it so far, I’m really hanging for the next message to come back to me!

2. The Rocket

Rocket is the one who sent me a message about 15 mins into joining haha. It was plain and simple – thought your profile was interesting, may I see a photo. To my surprise she didn’t disappear after seeing them. That twatty action was taken against me about %75 of the time on every other site. I don’t think I’m exactly what she is after though, she seems to have an over abundance of energy and I think she is looking for the same in return. I can’t force enthusiasm out of my pores about everything on this planet, it is too messed up to pretend lol.

We discussed a few things, she has had two arrangements before. One for a few months and the second for only four weeks, she discovered he was married and she bolted. So I sent her an image of that “Aint Got Time Fo Dat” meme. Wellllll turns out, something weird happened and the link took her to a blog, about someone getting stabbed. Just what you want to fucking send a nice young woman on the internet haha, so so fail. Well, she did still talk to me after that and we had a laugh about it. Conversation has since stalled though.

3. The Shark

I am pretty sure this nice young woman is old skool over on SA. What she certainly is, is very very pretty. She contacted me with a simple – hey how are you. I replied and this time I offered straight away to see my pictures to which she accepted. Then still talked to me, and asked straight away what I was looking to give and receive. I explained what I was after as best as I could, but I get the feeling that since she wasn’t attracted to me she moved into full on “if you want me to be seen in pubic with you’re going to pay for it” mode haha. Can’t blame her really!

Turns out, if I wanted to take the Shark out to an event and dinner, she would have to take the night off in which she explained she made on average $750 a night and in turn I’d need to cover that loss each time. I didn’t counter by asking her, well what about during the day… Even though I was thinking about it in my head. I will have to think about this one a bit more though.

4. The PT

This is great, a PT contacted me! This would be really cool to develop on many levels. Asked for photos, I sent them back with a small introduction. This is where SA shines for me, you can tell if someone read your message or not, she hasn’t read it yet. This stops me from thinking at least she saw the pics and ran away screaming 🙂 One issue, while her profile does mention things like low maintenance her expectation is set for High. To me that does seem a bit contradictory, but what do I know yet really! That leads me to believe I wouldn’t be able to provide a comfortable arrangement with her, but I suppose we will see.

5. Spidergirl

Spidergirl seems very cool, her profile too has all of the key words in it for me to take notice and with a lot of strength. After sending the pics she asked for she asked why I was on this site. Again I tried to do the impossible and unravel my thoughts into text about why I was on SA. I don’t just copy and paste, I am sure a lot might. She said that we would get along fine, and that her profile turns away a lot of people. I am not sure why it did, it is what attracted me to her more 🙂 She is gone for now but left it quite open, I will follow up with her for sure.

So there you have it, more interaction with women off SA in a day than off any site I’ve tried before over a damn week and I haven’t had a chance to run any searches or send any messages out myself! It is a different place, it is full throttle, if I can find a way to keep myself from sinking and swim I think that SA will provide me a wealth of experience in interacting with women.

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Sometimes the universe is incredibly kind to you. Or is it? What if the universe gives you a great opportunity but not the skills to deal with such an occurrence? Seemingly and even in my opinion it wouldn’t really be the universe’s fault since all the skills you have are learned directly from it, good or bad, so then it would come down to the individual. Hence; the Universe can be kind and I can FAIL.

We just had a big staff briefing at the office. There were around 120 people there and it was a pretty sung fit for all of us. I stood on the side of the room half way up to the presenters with the group of people I work with daily. Then for some reason the Receptionist comes around, talks to a few people before the presentation and then comes to stand next to me when it starts…

I’ve had mixed feelings about her for a while now, you know it doesn’t really feel great when there is someone you like and you’re positive they can’t or wouldn’t reciprocate those feelings. One thing is the same though because when she stood next to me I was like a leaf in the wind… When she looks at me, I disconnect from the world around me. Heart rate up, body temp up, self consciousness through the roof. Kind of feel like I’m in middle school again standing next to my first crush, it is so very embarrassing!

There wasn’t much interaction between us, some, could have been more if I had half a testicle to be my usual fun, witty, and playful self around her. But yeah, the FAIL runs strong in this one! Wan’t another example? Sure. A few times she got a bit close, I’m not sure why because it wasn’t quite that packed in there, but our arms touched a few times and I always immediately freaked out each time and gave her more space. The last time it happened, I didn’t pull away, so for about 5 mins I felt her energy(in heat form cos I didn’t have any crystals ya’know) which was probably the highlight of my week.

I know what you’re thinking trust me, thinking it myself. Grow a pair! Here is a cup of concrete to harden up! Haha, well, I suppose it all starts at home. I’m working on myself and my own confidence first. When I feel I have something to offer a beautiful person like the Receptionist, I will feel a bit more comfortable interacting with that person.

I hope!


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